Sunday, April 03, 2005

Be Careful What You Wish For!

My friend at DaleyBlog tipped us off that being abducted by aliens may be just as attainable as Fantasy Baseball with Reggie Jackson. He gave me a link to this company's website:

Alien says that the "highly trained and professional staff at Alien Abductions Incorporated can provide you with personalized, realistic memories of the alien abduction that you have been waiting for your entire life."

No fooling, I thought. Just the experience I've been missing! I read on:

"When you choose an AAI Abduction Experience our doctors, hypnotists, and memory implant technicians work with you in pre-abduction orientation sessions to customize one of our hundreds of stock abductions to suit your personal taste. You can even pick one of our fetishist's specials--interspecies breeding, medical experimentation--it's all up to you. Whether you select a solo abduction or one of our special Group Abduction packages (great for corporate retreats, school groups, and theme parties), AAI gives you the best abduction for the lowest price.

Once your Abduction Experience has been implanted, we offer a wide range of add-on options, from the 24/7 Surveillance Special (to give you that added edge of real-life paranoia) to our exclusive Evidence Kit, which contains items specially selected to heighten your Experience. We even offer a low cost course of deprogramming, medication, and therapy that is available to any of our customers who may choose to discontinue their Experience."

I had just been talking with my wife about that the other night. "Honey," I said to her, "I'd be a much happier person if I could only find an added edge of real-life paranoia."

My wife patted my hand.

I was pretty much sold at this point, but the closing hook put me over the line:

"WHETHER YOUR INTEREST IS CULTURAL, SCIENTIFIC, OR SENSUAL , Alien Abductions Incorporated can provide you with memories of an experience guaranteed to be unlike any other available on this planet!"

Oh, I am all over this, I said to myself.

Then I searched and searched the website, for some sort of contact info.

WOW!! I found
a map of their facility, which is located in Rochester, New York and includes everything you mght expect if you were anticipating the best services available in the field. The campus includes a Conspiracy Compound, Outpatinet Implantation Lab, Group Abduction Facilities, a Health Club (complete with mud baths), a Restaurant and three gift shops!




Wait, I this too good to be true? My wife encouraged me to check them out, call the BBB or something.

Then I found it -- the new information. Way in the back of the
specials page:

"September 11, 1998 -- Alien Abductions Incorporated announced today that their long-anticipated entry into the game design market will be postponed indefinitely. When contacted for comment, company executives said only that they continue to be on good terms with their partners in the game development venture, and that current market conditions were responsible for the decision to shelve the project.

While all major game companies have consistently denied any involvement with Alien Abductions, industry rumor holds that the partnership is with a major company and is intended to develop a 'more contemporary' version of a popular and well known surgically-themed children's game."

Oh! How clever!!! These are GAMERS who have set up a wesbite to promote their cool new video game!!

I read on, then, to my dismay, found this...

"A small number of individuals have recently begun to claim that Alien Abductions Incorporated implants paid commercial advertisements as a part of our Abduction Experiences. Nothing could be further from the truth.

This misunderstanding arises from our necessary and legitimate relationships with other businesses. We have implanted customers with the desire to visit the Bug Jar (in Rochester, NY) not because of any monetary arrangement, but because as "Your Bar on Earth," the atmosphere at the Bug Jar works to enhance the Abduction Experience.

Likewise, the compulsion to seek out and promote the work of certain design firms, such as Bullet Graphics (also of Rochester), is implanted because these firms incorporate special "trigger images" into their work. These images activate vital parts of the Abduction Experience--again, increasing its effectiveness."

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy wait a minute. This was all a gag. Perpetrated by some bartender and his graphic designer friend to drum up (badly needed) business. An elaborate hoax.

And a damn good one at that. I had to contact them and congratulate them. But their contact info was no longer in service. Emails bounced back. Telehpone numbers had been disconnected.

Do you suppose? They were....abducted?

The Bug Jar in Rochester, NY. Gotta check that place out, if I ever find myself near Rochester.

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